nighttime ramblings
At night, I take my pills, the pills I have taken since I was a child. They are not foreign to me, I know their shape and taste and what to take with what, what to sip on, which pills will stick in the back of my throat, willing themselves to stay out of here. I swallow three times and cough.
I ease myself into a new existence, a sort of blankness, a paralysis of the panic that takes over me at night. I did not grow up with this panic, I grew into it, the way I never really grew to my full height, I grew wrongly but I was always going to grow wrongly (this they told my parents) but I feel it now, I feel bent and tired and wholly and fully broken.
I know I will wait to sleep tonight.
