January 2012
24 posts
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How To Look Cool At A Coffee Shop–Hollywood...
1) Sit down in the chair really aggressively and roll up your sleeves like you’re about to actual work instead of type words on your dainty white computer.
2) Furrow your brow.
3) Sigh audibly.
4) Order a coffee and pronounce espresso properly. There’s no x. There’s no x.
5) Look up the TV on the wall in disgust and say “I don’t have a TV.” Sigh at the...
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tuesday night!
i left the party in a cab because i still do not have a car.
i said los feliz, the driver said he knew because i had given the lady on the phone my address and then i made him go back to the party because i forgot something and well,
i was flustered and short on cash (just the tip), so i gave him a brownie with sea salt and he said thank you and put chris brown on really loud when i tried to...
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Conversations with my now FOUR year old f'niece
Emma: Okay now we are going to play Mommy, Emma, and baby. ALLIE, YOU HAVE TO BE THE BABY. (Allie, 20 months old, continues to play with the teacup.)
Me: Okay. So who am I?
Emma: YOU ARE ME.
Me: Okay. Hi, I'm--
Emma: NOOO, my turn. Hi my name is Emma's Mommy and I like to take so many pictures and I love to Facetime and I know Kelly.
Me: Hi, I'm Emma, my best friend is Kelly and I want to be the Beast next time--
(Emma puts her hand up)
Me: But this means I finally get to be the princess.
Emma: NO!! I AM ALWAYS THE PRINCESS.
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In line at UCB, checking Tumblr, taking Instagram pictures of my boots, seeing I’ve been retweeted and slowly turning into a cliche.
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It's All Fiction, Really.
I cannot remember the exact moment you changed. It was a collection of instants so dense that they became years and that purple stain on your lips became permanent, the color something we anticipated, knew, and hated.
I can remember that first moment moment I disappointed you because I could not keep my mouth shut. And those arguments have outnumbered the marks in the basement that measured our...
Dear LA,
I need a really cheap car to last me for six months or so.
My Razr scooter (children’s size) isn’t cutting it.
Any suggestions?
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December 2011
32 posts
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On Not Sleeping
I have not been able to get out of bed since August.
I’ve had insomnia for years, and fatigue forever, but it was August when I stopped working full time and have consequently fallen into this hazy, open space. Freelancing allows for my situation; for that I am grateful.
But I am still searching for the reason I have been so tired lately, so needy for my bed that when I am out and away from it,...
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nighttime ramblings
At night, I take my pills, the pills I have taken since I was a child. They are not foreign to me, I know their shape and taste and what to take with what, what to sip on, which pills will stick in the back of my throat, willing themselves to stay out of here. I swallow three times and cough.
I ease myself into a new existence, a sort of blankness, a paralysis of the panic that takes over me at...
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Dan and I Name Our Top Ten Albums of the Year
And by I, I mean mostly Dan. I helped, though!
(I cannot believe he didn’t include the members-only fan clup EP that Hanson released.)
Honorable Mentions: The First Day of Spring, Noah and the Whale; The Whole Love, Wilco; Bon Iver, Bon Iver; Rome, Danger Mouse and Danielle Luppi; A Creature I Don’t Know, Laura Marling
10. Pickin’ Up The Pieces, Fitz + The Tantrums
9. So Beautiful...
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Whoever wrote "There's no place like home for the...
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I just started Breaking Bad.
Any chance this turns into a buddy comedy about a coupla funny dudes, complete with meth puns and hilarious pratfalls?
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“I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter...”
– Bill Hicks’ last words. He would have been 50 years old today.
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Take a sip of whiskey and sit down.
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It doesn't matter if the bottle of wine is $40 or...
If you drink the whole thing, you will wake up with a fucking headache.
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I just remembered...
the time I was writing for a prostate cancer drug + I panicked and texted every man over 40 in my contact list, asking them the last time they got their prostate checked.
Sadly, there was more than one recipient to that text.
And only one answer.
From my dad.
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IT'S STILL ME, KELLY BERGIN
But I changed my Tumblr pic so I could look more intense and shit.
Related: I drank most of that Jameson from before.
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Exchange I Had With Silverlake Hipster Today
Me, at gas station trying to figure out how to screw the cap on: AGH, I HATE MYSELF!!
(Spots guy with dog)
Me: HEY, GUY WITH DOG!
Guy with Dog: Hey.
Me: Can you come over here and help me? I will hold your dog.
Guy: Okay.
Guy fixes car nozzle in twelve seconds
Me: Ha, I guess I'm not good with cars, I just moved from New York..
Guy: I love New York, my dog's named Brooklyn.
Me, thinking this is true love: Oh my god, that's so cute.
Guy: Where you headed now?
Me, thinking about to get murdered: Oh, um, to look at apartments.
Guy: Good luck, that's always hard...(launches into adorable story)
Me, flustered by his cuteness: Haha
Guy: Well...
Me, in one breath: Hahaokaybyehaveagooddaythankyou
Guy: Yes, you too. Enjoy your day.
Me: Enjoy your dog! Bye!
Guy: Errr...okay.
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In one week...
I’ll be passed out at a bar in Brooklyn while my friends drink around me.
I cannot wait.
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What to Do When Your Internet is Down
1) Scream “AGHHH, MY INTERNET IS DOWN!” 2) Check other devices for Wifi activity. Hurl your iPad at the wall when it refuses to load Words with Friends. 3) Distract yourself from your non-Internet activity. Paint a banner that says “BURN IN HELL, Time Warner.” 4) After three minutes of painting, check to see if the Internet is still down. If it is, cry. 5) Call Time...
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