Monday, October 20, 2014

Best of Paris Geller

Paris 4eva

Saturday, October 18, 2014
this weather is a feeling, and those lights, new york city.

this weather is a feeling, and those lights, new york city.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014
walked for miles this morning to shake my head free of the density :: the fog was endearing, humidity thick :: i came upon a jetty that stretched into the sea, and I followed it as far as it let me :: sitting on a slick rock, I stared in gratitude at this awesome place to get to recover and live, and the shape of the @asburyparkboardwalk in the fog :: cobwebs? Clear. #sunrise #AsburyPark #jersey #dirtyhuh #ireallylovefog (jacked from @babybythesea)  (at Allenhurst Beach Club)

walked for miles this morning to shake my head free of the density :: the fog was endearing, humidity thick :: i came upon a jetty that stretched into the sea, and I followed it as far as it let me :: sitting on a slick rock, I stared in gratitude at this awesome place to get to recover and live, and the shape of the @asburyparkboardwalk in the fog :: cobwebs? Clear. #sunrise #AsburyPark #jersey #dirtyhuh #ireallylovefog (jacked from @babybythesea) (at Allenhurst Beach Club)

nothing heals like this :: I haven’t kept a date in three months, have barely seen friends, missed my best friend’s engagement party, family birthdays, visits, etc etc etc :: some days all I know is this pain ::: some days this is the only light I see

nothing heals like this :: I haven’t kept a date in three months, have barely seen friends, missed my best friend’s engagement party, family birthdays, visits, etc etc etc :: some days all I know is this pain ::: some days this is the only light I see

postracialcomments:

100% Truth

postracialcomments:

100% Truth

I’d like to present to you all a fine specimen of JERSEY SHORE: Tinder.

I’d like to present to you all a fine specimen of JERSEY SHORE: Tinder.

Monday, October 13, 2014
fatmanatee:

never go full philadelphia

Ugh Eagles fans.

fatmanatee:

never go full philadelphia

Ugh Eagles fans.

Sunday, October 12, 2014
throwing acorns into the sun’s reflection ::: she is the only thing that feels absolute to me ::: I am exhausted by this double life, the jagged, messy split between my sick self and my healthy self ::: I feel grateful for the days when I’m well enough to go outside and live freely ::: the rest of the time, I am laying here, hoping to know who I will be today, tomorrow. ::: there is a small peace on both sides now ::: but the peace, the whole me lives outside of this screen, and out of of this bed.

throwing acorns into the sun’s reflection ::: she is the only thing that feels absolute to me ::: I am exhausted by this double life, the jagged, messy split between my sick self and my healthy self ::: I feel grateful for the days when I’m well enough to go outside and live freely ::: the rest of the time, I am laying here, hoping to know who I will be today, tomorrow. ::: there is a small peace on both sides now ::: but the peace, the whole me lives outside of this screen, and out of of this bed.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Fractured Night

It is almost two am and I suddenly remember of all the drugs I have taken since 6pm, when I crashed into this bed. Perhaps I did not realize it while I was taking them, but they’ve added up: the double dose of narcotics for the pain, the triple dose of anti-anxiety meds, and another double dose of melatonin. I should be comatose and yet I am kicking through my blankets, trying to solve the problem of cold arms and a hot torso and freezing toes and warm legs, a hot, red face.

I am so uncomfortable it is hard to believe that my fingers are typing because that is what my brain is telling it to do. Hey, brain, let’s go to sleep. I tried that in various states of meditation tonight.

It only hears what it wants to, my body, my brain. My body knows it can destroy me but my mind could decimate me first. It could tempt me into even riskier behavior. I didn’t intend to engage in risky behavior tonight; it’s so late that I am in the outside zone of the drugs. They are nearly flushed out of my system.

They did not work. I am still awake and finding pain in all the corners and curves of my body.

I am most annoyed that I can’t figure out if I’m hot or cold and I’m pissed off that diabetes is shredding my nerves. I am sweating while shivering. I am so fucking uncomfortable. It is like this almost always, and certainly every night.

I want to fall back down into the bed where a new body sleeps. I want to steal that body, make it mine, revalue this broken engine. I want a new body, I want to know its’ scars and freckles, its’ hair, and food allergies. I want to watch as the body I was born with, the one people have loved, and touched, is burned, is torched for disobedience.

Good riddance, I’d say. Fuck you, I’d shout.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Plan

laughingatmynightmare:

1. Get on Ellen to share my book with the world.
2. During the show, make the “bombshell announcement” that I do not, in fact, have SMA, but rather faked everything as a publicity stunt.
3. Say something along the lines of “And now, to prove it, I WILL GET UP AND WALK.”
4. Flop out of my chair onto the stage, breaking all my bones in front of millions of viewers.

Sales will skyrocket. I’m sure of it.

I love Shane.

Sunday, October 5, 2014
googling “toddler discipline” because I am terrible at saying no to this face (and when she gives me a kiss, i always say “ewww you taste like pickles” and now she says “ew! TICK-LES!” and my heart bursts. so yes I pick her up and give her all the things. help.) #dopeniece #parAUNTing #discipline

googling “toddler discipline” because I am terrible at saying no to this face (and when she gives me a kiss, i always say “ewww you taste like pickles” and now she says “ew! TICK-LES!” and my heart bursts. so yes I pick her up and give her all the things. help.) #dopeniece #parAUNTing #discipline

Tuesday, September 30, 2014
I keep getting diagnosed with new diseases but look how pretty the sky is!!

I keep getting diagnosed with new diseases but look how pretty the sky is!!

Monday, September 29, 2014
you can find me at the  e n d

you can find me at the e n d

Sunday, September 28, 2014 Thursday, September 25, 2014
EW EW EW his grandmother taught him how to make love to a woman! NO! Not okay! No!

EW EW EW his grandmother taught him how to make love to a woman! NO! Not okay! No!