The Fractured Night
It is almost two am and I suddenly remember of all the drugs I have taken since 6pm, when I crashed into this bed. Perhaps I did not realize it while I was taking them, but they’ve added up: the double dose of narcotics for the pain, the triple dose of anti-anxiety meds, and another double dose of melatonin. I should be comatose and yet I am kicking through my blankets, trying to solve the problem of cold arms and a hot torso and freezing toes and warm legs, a hot, red face.
I am so uncomfortable it is hard to believe that my fingers are typing because that is what my brain is telling it to do. Hey, brain, let’s go to sleep. I tried that in various states of meditation tonight.
It only hears what it wants to, my body, my brain. My body knows it can destroy me but my mind could decimate me first. It could tempt me into even riskier behavior. I didn’t intend to engage in risky behavior tonight; it’s so late that I am in the outside zone of the drugs. They are nearly flushed out of my system.
They did not work. I am still awake and finding pain in all the corners and curves of my body.
I am most annoyed that I can’t figure out if I’m hot or cold and I’m pissed off that diabetes is shredding my nerves. I am sweating while shivering. I am so fucking uncomfortable. It is like this almost always, and certainly every night.
I want to fall back down into the bed where a new body sleeps. I want to steal that body, make it mine, revalue this broken engine. I want a new body, I want to know its’ scars and freckles, its’ hair, and food allergies. I want to watch as the body I was born with, the one people have loved, and touched, is burned, is torched for disobedience.
Good riddance, I’d say. Fuck you, I’d shout.
1. Get on Ellen to share my book with the world.
2. During the show, make the “bombshell announcement” that I do not, in fact, have SMA, but rather faked everything as a publicity stunt.
3. Say something along the lines of “And now, to prove it, I WILL GET UP AND WALK.”
4. Flop out of my chair onto the stage, breaking all my bones in front of millions of viewers.
Sales will skyrocket. I’m sure of it.
I love Shane.